Booze Knows Whats Going To Happen…?

December 29, 2006

Reading other peoples blogs, especially those in my profession (Ambulance Service) and the Police, its apparent there is an underlying theme of “alcohol induced anti-social tendencies” being posted. I hasten to add…not by the bloggers.


No matter what time of the year, whatever the occasion,  it seems people do not need an excuse at all to get absolutely blind drunk/pissed/ratarsed or shitfaced off the planet. (All medical terms).

We have all seen the various stages of intoxication of individuals on our own forays into the city centre on a staff night out. And we have all been drunk at some time or another (unless you are teetotal) but… have we not been able to get home safely without getting into a fight, run over, arrested for swearing, getting mugged, smashing a window, snapping car wing mirrors/aerials, abusing others or ending up covered in vomit/shit/piss/blood or other stuff?  


Okay…then maybe we have done these things when younger…but maybe only once, and we learnt from our embarrassment. The difference today is that plenty of people are doing these things as a matter of course and think nothing of the consequences. Because there are none, apart from the long term health problems and the odd acute alcoholic poisoning. They are doing it on a weekly, if not daily basis.


Ambulance Peeps…come to help you.

When I first joined my uniform was similiar in colour and design to the police, so this led to mistaken identity on several occassions from the drinking community. Once we changed to the new greens things improved slightly. Unfortunately all respect for the public services has been lost by the younger population if in deed they had any in the first place!


Colleagues have mentioned that the nice families who say “thank you” and are seemly genuine in their apologies for calling us out are becoming few and far between. Where as at one time it was the opposite, more people were glad to see you and gave you some respect, and the pondscum and chavs were in the minority.


It is getting more and more difficult out there and more dangerous for us as these people do not care if they injure us or, God forbid, kill us. Where is it going to lead? Is society to be held ransom by these scumbags who spoil our lives due to the impotent laws/judges of this once great country?

Rant over for the time being…..

Head Butting Wasps……!

December 29, 2006

One of the funniest things I have read over the Christmas period was the autobiography of Peter Kaye,

 (he of “Phoenix Nights” and “Max and Paddy” fame). 


A certain quote had me in stitches as it reminded me of some of my ex school friends and ex forces mates.

He describes someone as having mentally “having lost the cheese from his cracker…”


and had been “seen trying to headbutt wasps…!”


…hang on a minute that might have been me…!!!



It Came As Quite A Shock…

December 28, 2006

After the Christmas rush to the shops, all the preparations for the forthcoming family dinner, the wrapping of presents and all the house cleaning in time for the relatives inspection (white gloves along the bannister) came the scoffing of said Christmas feast and the great unwrapping of presents and the diplomatic averting of WWIII by pretending not to notice the white glove relative.

This left Mrs. Magic with a rather painful right shoulder. More painful than usual as she has been suffering for a while now. So in a festive bid to help ease her pain and suffering I went out on Boxing Day and perused the high street “medical emporiums.”  I was able to purchase a machine of magnificence and benefaction in the form of a T.E.N.S. device.

“Transcutaeneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation” has been around for a number of years now, and besides I could,nt get any leeches! The actual device, which is portable, is no more bigger than a standard size envelope and has four electrodes which can be positioned in various areas on the body according to the location of the pain. By a process of passing an electrical pulse from the machine to the nerve endings within the musculature around or near to the site of the pain, pain relief can be gained. 


T.E.N.S. machine

What I forgot to tell Mrs. Magic was that you should avoid other electrical equipment. This, with great hindsight, I should have done before allowing Mrs.Magic to go to work. She is a call centre manager, and as such she is near to lots of other electrical equipment….lots! 


Mrs. Magic taking a phone call…! 

I am making a note of what to buy for Mrs.Magic next Christmas…possibly a big hairbrush or an even bigger hat! 


On Manouvres…

December 28, 2006

SWAB Team 6 are on manouvres at the moment…down the local high street getting upto 75% off all electrical kit at “Curryometixons”. Then its onto the pub for a rehash of the units “mission statement”. 



One of the things we got for Chrimbo….


Subdued Colour Tongue Depressor…

Will catch up with you at the “Paraffin Parrot” later! 





S.W.A.B. Team 6…Roll Call!….

December 24, 2006

SWAB Team 6 is to be expanded, and I dont mean just the waistlines due to too many mince pies and sherries! The weekends parachuting course was cancelled due to the fact that we had  no plane…or parachutes…or anyone to train us…and it was foggy anyway!

So we decided on a tactical exercise ….at the pub! We played darts with 14 gauge cannulas and “pin the tail on the donkey” with a defibrillator. The landlord of the pub was most welcoming, as he is an ex stretcher-monkey himself. We will make this our local watering hole and for our mission de-brief sessions! It is called the “Paraffin Parrot”.

We managed to get hold of a new truck to assist us in our duties. The old one, a 1972 Ford Transit with a padlock on the back door, has been sold on to another Ambulance Service. I believe they are going to convert it into a “mobile control room” for majaxs etc. The new truck is perfect for running over scroates who stand in the middle of the road “flicking the Vs” and is equipped with a “chav catcher” at the front just like the trains in the states! It is due to be field tested by Inspector Gadget on Christmas Day! 



SWAB Team 6 training will be commenced shortly once we have hired the church hall from Mrs. Miggins as she is still running the Girl Guides on a Tuesday night but she is going into hospital soon for an operation concerning…. “womens plumbing!” The training syllabus will kick off with “pro-active self defence” and “how to dis-arm a chav/pondscum by giving him/her a good ninjaring!”


A chav Getting Ninjaed

This will be followed by “live exercises” on the mean streets of “Big City U.K.” Especially after we have watched repeats of “Casualty” and “The Bill”.


“Its What We Do…!”


I will be bringing you news of the uniform procurement and our ongoing equipment testing programme after Christmas. As I will be completely insensible due to over indulgence of alcohol and masses of turkey…but in a sensible sort of way!

Stay Safe and have a excellent Christmas and a spendid New Year! Until next time…..!



Kingmagic, SWAB Team 6 Skipper

One More Sausage Roll For The Road…..

December 23, 2006

I,m feeling a little bit fragile at the moment. It was our station Christmas Bash last night!

Everything was there in place for a night of fun filled jollification and discotheque type japes. The D.J. was playing his records….on vinyl, so they kept slipping and ending the songs about 30 seconds into them.

The venue had provided, free of charge, two drunk women dancing on the floor. Nobody had a clue who they were, I think they got lost from one of the other parties going on next door! (Not a good sight seeing two drunk women trying to dance, and not bothering about their fat flesh wobbling over their hipsters.)

The “buffet” was amazing! It was just like a scene from Scooby Do with the same things being seen from one end to the other…..”sandwichs….quiche….eggs….sausage rolls….sandwichs….quiche….eggs….sausage rolls” (thanks to Peter Kaye for the analogy).

I ate some of it and regretted it straight away. You just sometimes know that something is not quite right when you taste it. This was the case in point with the “sausage roll”. It was spicey…..very spicy…..I mean really f*%^ing spicey!!! I couldnt, and still cant, get rid of the taste. And I,ve been to the “Great White Telephone” 3 times so far!

My ears are still ringing from when the D.J. cranked up the volume on his discotheque machine thingy. Good selection of tunes I thought….not! There was not one person in the room who was a Chav but we got subjected to a fair bit of rapper M.C. “in the hood” “all the police are pigs” “your mothers a motherf*&%ing pimp” type music. Nice.

I still cant hear properly…..its bloody annoying! 


Anyway I hope everyone has a brill Christmas and a superb New Year……have a safe one……Kingmagic.


Santa Is Alive……!!!

December 22, 2006

Santa is Alive and hes in Trouble……


He has also been sacked from a major department store in London for making inappropiate comments to children and parents and most recently he has been fined for not wearing a seatbelt in Doncaster!

Come on people of the world, let us unite and vote in a new Santa! Should it be right that we entrust our presents to be delivered by an unelected representative of the North Pole?

I nominate that fat bloke off  the telly series “Pie in the Sky” you know the one, the policeman who has his own restaurant and solves all the crimes whilst still trying to move! In fact he could also investigate any untoward happenings with the presents. Two birds with one stone!



S.W.A.B. …..Special Wounds And Bandages…

December 20, 2006

I am joining a new unit called SWAB, Special Wounds And Bandages. 


“Its What We Do…”

Its primary mission is to provide specialized back up to Ambulance crews on the ground. Its secondary role is that of A/E admission prevention by being a more proactive cell of the Ambulance Service rather than a reactive one.

SWAB (Special Wounds and Bandages) is a specialized unit in many United Kingdom Ambulance Services, which is trained to perform dangerous operations. These can include dressing head wounds of violent drunks, performing hostage rescue, preventing panic attacks and engaging heavily “chaved” people in conversation. SWAB teams are equipped with specialized kit including heavy duty thermos flasks (for when it’s a bit nippy), portable DVD players (while away the hours on standby), kevlar armoured string vest (cos you never know) and NASA designed combat/medic boots with full-on satellite tracking and built in computer (determines if you are really on scene and not lurking nearby). Also issued are specialized MOE tools (Method Of Entry) usually a half brick for window entry and a sturdy wheelie bin to ram through the front door (if no answer to polite knocking). SWAB teams also have special NVE (Night Vision Equipment)…..a torch.

SWAB duties

Swab duties include:

  • Non-violent treatment of desperate barricaded casualties;
  • Protecting emergency personnel against BB gun snipers;
  • Providing high-ground and perimeter security against BB gun snipers for visiting dignitaries;
  • Providing controlled assault bandaging in certain non-riot situations, i.e., barricaded casualties;
  • Rescuing officers and citizens captured or endangered by Chavs and/or Chavettes; and,
  • Neutralizing local pond scum or estate hoodies.  



SWAB officers are selected from volunteers within their Ambulance Service organization. Depending on the services policy, Officers generally have to serve a minimum tenure within the service before being able to apply for a specialist section such as SWAB. This tenure requirement is based on the fact that SWAB officers are still Ambulance Stretcher Monkeys and must have a thorough knowledge of service policies and procedures.SWAB applicants undergo rigorous selection and training, similar to the training some special operations units in the Salvation Army receive. Applicants must pass stringent physical agility, written, oral, and psychological testing to ensure they are not only fit enough but also psychologically suited for tactical operations. 


Accurate Bandaging Saved This Mans Foot

In addition, applicants must successfully pass a stringent background investigation and job performance review. Emphasis is placed on physical fitness so an officer will be able to withstand the rigors of a twelve hour shift without a break. After an officer has been selected, the potential member must undertake and pass numerous specialist courses that will make him/her a fully qualified SWAB operator. Officers are trained in bandagemanship for the development of accurate bandaging skills, although the use of bandages is considered a last resort in SWAB operations. Other training that could be given to potential members includes training in tea making, sandwich buying, fish and chip price negotiation skills, handling dog units (the Ambulance Service will be getting a K9 unit soon), and groovy discotheque dance moves (for the ladies!) and the use of specialized T.V. remote controls.


Victim of a Chav Attack

I am due to go on a parachuting course this weekend. This will allow myself and other SWAB team members to silently descend upon the outer estates and treat the pondscum and Chavs whilst they are sleeping off the booze or the hit from whatever chemicals they have injected.

Then again I may get the old cheese grater out (my favoured implement of revenge) and cheese grate their finger ends off! I may even use the old superglue on the eyelids trick, always a good one amongst the troops.

I will let you know how it goes and update you all on SWAB team operations! Untill then………….




Books I,ve Read Recently….

December 19, 2006

As you may or may not know I am new to this blogging lark. I am finding it all fascinating and trying not to get too addicted to it. (Mrs. Magic has had words….!)

I just thought I,d let you know, as if you did,nt already, about two brilliant, ney, superb books from bloggers of great distinction. 


The first one is the one I blame for getting me into all this in the first place, and thats “Blood, Sweat & Tea”by Tom Reynolds. For those of you who dont know, “Tom” is an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) with the LAS (London Ambulance Service). If you want to know what its like on the dark side in the Ambulance Service then this book will tell you. I read it in three days flat (I had to stop now and then to eat, sleep and use the loo and also to go to work).

 It has an easy reading style of matter of fact events and situations that occur in the Ambulance Service but with the thoughts of “Tom” giving his view on things. Everything is covered from the amount of drunk people we deal with to the tragic accidents involving fatalities. The stories all struck a chord with me as thats how it is in the job. A vital part of educating the public is the compulsory reading of this book. 


The second book, which I,ve just finished today, is “Wasting Police Time” by P.C. David Copperfield. Again a cracking read dealing with the unseen world of the British Bobby. Is he a law Enforcer? Or is he a clerk in uniform? This book has really changed my views on the Police. I thought I could get discouraged from time to time in my job, but I could not do theirs.

It is really a treatise on what is happening in this once great land of ours. From all the political correctness to the offenders being looked after more than the victims. I hope that senior police officers and politicians (as I,m sure they have already) read this book and take note of what is happening out there, or in the police stations up and down the country. So long as we still have officers like P.C. Copperfield in the Police Service (as its not a Force), then I at least will feel a little bit safer.

Purpleplus Top Ten…..!!!

December 19, 2006


I thought I would just jot down my Top 10 Best & Worst things about being a Paramedic. These lists are not exhaustive and maybe subject to change at a later date!

Top 10 Best Bits:

  1. On the RRV/RFU I am my own boss out on the road.
  2. I get to see inside other peoples houses. (Clean and respectable)
  3. I meet interesting people from all walks of life. (Clean and respectable, hard working)
  4. The look of relief on peoples faces when I turn up to a scene. (Its what we do)
  5. Every job I get sent to is different in its own way. (Beats working 9 to 5 any day!)
  6. I get to use some pretty cool kit/equipment.
  7. Its still (sometimes) a buzz hitting the “Blues & Twos”.
  8. The money is getting better, at long last!
  9. I get to see things that ordinary members of the public do not.
  10. And sometimes I get to save someone. 


Top 10 Worst Bits.

  1. Control (puzzle palace) know where I am all the time.
  2. I go into some real pigstys and slums. (Wipe your feet on the way out!)
  3. Some people are only just off the bottom of the evolutionary scale. (One up from pond scum!)
  4. The look of dismay on peoples faces when I turn up on scene. (They can tell I,m late off!)
  5. Every job I get sent to involving alcohol has the potential to go “tits up!” (And involves vomit/fights)
  6. Unless the kit/equipment is Ambulance Proof then it invariably breaks down when needed most!
  7. Cars/vans/trucks/buses/people/animals still get in the way even when on “Blues & Twos!”
  8. I dont get paid enough to take some of the abuse/shit that is thrown at me!
  9. I get to see the darker side of humanity. (Ignorance is sometimes still bliss!)
  10. I have seen good people die.

The best and worst job in the World….I would,nt change it for anything!