Booze Knows Whats Going To Happen…?

December 29, 2006

Reading other peoples blogs, especially those in my profession (Ambulance Service) and the Police, its apparent there is an underlying theme of “alcohol induced anti-social tendencies” being posted. I hasten to add…not by the bloggers.


No matter what time of the year, whatever the occasion,  it seems people do not need an excuse at all to get absolutely blind drunk/pissed/ratarsed or shitfaced off the planet. (All medical terms).

We have all seen the various stages of intoxication of individuals on our own forays into the city centre on a staff night out. And we have all been drunk at some time or another (unless you are teetotal) but… have we not been able to get home safely without getting into a fight, run over, arrested for swearing, getting mugged, smashing a window, snapping car wing mirrors/aerials, abusing others or ending up covered in vomit/shit/piss/blood or other stuff?  


Okay…then maybe we have done these things when younger…but maybe only once, and we learnt from our embarrassment. The difference today is that plenty of people are doing these things as a matter of course and think nothing of the consequences. Because there are none, apart from the long term health problems and the odd acute alcoholic poisoning. They are doing it on a weekly, if not daily basis.


Ambulance Peeps…come to help you.

When I first joined my uniform was similiar in colour and design to the police, so this led to mistaken identity on several occassions from the drinking community. Once we changed to the new greens things improved slightly. Unfortunately all respect for the public services has been lost by the younger population if in deed they had any in the first place!


Colleagues have mentioned that the nice families who say “thank you” and are seemly genuine in their apologies for calling us out are becoming few and far between. Where as at one time it was the opposite, more people were glad to see you and gave you some respect, and the pondscum and chavs were in the minority.


It is getting more and more difficult out there and more dangerous for us as these people do not care if they injure us or, God forbid, kill us. Where is it going to lead? Is society to be held ransom by these scumbags who spoil our lives due to the impotent laws/judges of this once great country?

Rant over for the time being…..

Head Butting Wasps……!

December 29, 2006

One of the funniest things I have read over the Christmas period was the autobiography of Peter Kaye,

 (he of “Phoenix Nights” and “Max and Paddy” fame). 


A certain quote had me in stitches as it reminded me of some of my ex school friends and ex forces mates.

He describes someone as having mentally “having lost the cheese from his cracker…”


and had been “seen trying to headbutt wasps…!”


…hang on a minute that might have been me…!!!



It Came As Quite A Shock…

December 28, 2006

After the Christmas rush to the shops, all the preparations for the forthcoming family dinner, the wrapping of presents and all the house cleaning in time for the relatives inspection (white gloves along the bannister) came the scoffing of said Christmas feast and the great unwrapping of presents and the diplomatic averting of WWIII by pretending not to notice the white glove relative.

This left Mrs. Magic with a rather painful right shoulder. More painful than usual as she has been suffering for a while now. So in a festive bid to help ease her pain and suffering I went out on Boxing Day and perused the high street “medical emporiums.”  I was able to purchase a machine of magnificence and benefaction in the form of a T.E.N.S. device.

“Transcutaeneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation” has been around for a number of years now, and besides I could,nt get any leeches! The actual device, which is portable, is no more bigger than a standard size envelope and has four electrodes which can be positioned in various areas on the body according to the location of the pain. By a process of passing an electrical pulse from the machine to the nerve endings within the musculature around or near to the site of the pain, pain relief can be gained. 


T.E.N.S. machine

What I forgot to tell Mrs. Magic was that you should avoid other electrical equipment. This, with great hindsight, I should have done before allowing Mrs.Magic to go to work. She is a call centre manager, and as such she is near to lots of other electrical equipment….lots! 


Mrs. Magic taking a phone call…! 

I am making a note of what to buy for Mrs.Magic next Christmas…possibly a big hairbrush or an even bigger hat! 


On Manouvres…

December 28, 2006

SWAB Team 6 are on manouvres at the moment…down the local high street getting upto 75% off all electrical kit at “Curryometixons”. Then its onto the pub for a rehash of the units “mission statement”. 



One of the things we got for Chrimbo….


Subdued Colour Tongue Depressor…

Will catch up with you at the “Paraffin Parrot” later! 





S.W.A.B. Team 6…Roll Call!….

December 24, 2006

SWAB Team 6 is to be expanded, and I dont mean just the waistlines due to too many mince pies and sherries! The weekends parachuting course was cancelled due to the fact that we had  no plane…or parachutes…or anyone to train us…and it was foggy anyway!

So we decided on a tactical exercise ….at the pub! We played darts with 14 gauge cannulas and “pin the tail on the donkey” with a defibrillator. The landlord of the pub was most welcoming, as he is an ex stretcher-monkey himself. We will make this our local watering hole and for our mission de-brief sessions! It is called the “Paraffin Parrot”.

We managed to get hold of a new truck to assist us in our duties. The old one, a 1972 Ford Transit with a padlock on the back door, has been sold on to another Ambulance Service. I believe they are going to convert it into a “mobile control room” for majaxs etc. The new truck is perfect for running over scroates who stand in the middle of the road “flicking the Vs” and is equipped with a “chav catcher” at the front just like the trains in the states! It is due to be field tested by Inspector Gadget on Christmas Day! 



SWAB Team 6 training will be commenced shortly once we have hired the church hall from Mrs. Miggins as she is still running the Girl Guides on a Tuesday night but she is going into hospital soon for an operation concerning…. “womens plumbing!” The training syllabus will kick off with “pro-active self defence” and “how to dis-arm a chav/pondscum by giving him/her a good ninjaring!”


A chav Getting Ninjaed

This will be followed by “live exercises” on the mean streets of “Big City U.K.” Especially after we have watched repeats of “Casualty” and “The Bill”.


“Its What We Do…!”


I will be bringing you news of the uniform procurement and our ongoing equipment testing programme after Christmas. As I will be completely insensible due to over indulgence of alcohol and masses of turkey…but in a sensible sort of way!

Stay Safe and have a excellent Christmas and a spendid New Year! Until next time…..!



Kingmagic, SWAB Team 6 Skipper

One More Sausage Roll For The Road…..

December 23, 2006

I,m feeling a little bit fragile at the moment. It was our station Christmas Bash last night!

Everything was there in place for a night of fun filled jollification and discotheque type japes. The D.J. was playing his records….on vinyl, so they kept slipping and ending the songs about 30 seconds into them.

The venue had provided, free of charge, two drunk women dancing on the floor. Nobody had a clue who they were, I think they got lost from one of the other parties going on next door! (Not a good sight seeing two drunk women trying to dance, and not bothering about their fat flesh wobbling over their hipsters.)

The “buffet” was amazing! It was just like a scene from Scooby Do with the same things being seen from one end to the other…..”sandwichs….quiche….eggs….sausage rolls….sandwichs….quiche….eggs….sausage rolls” (thanks to Peter Kaye for the analogy).

I ate some of it and regretted it straight away. You just sometimes know that something is not quite right when you taste it. This was the case in point with the “sausage roll”. It was spicey…..very spicy…..I mean really f*%^ing spicey!!! I couldnt, and still cant, get rid of the taste. And I,ve been to the “Great White Telephone” 3 times so far!

My ears are still ringing from when the D.J. cranked up the volume on his discotheque machine thingy. Good selection of tunes I thought….not! There was not one person in the room who was a Chav but we got subjected to a fair bit of rapper M.C. “in the hood” “all the police are pigs” “your mothers a motherf*&%ing pimp” type music. Nice.

I still cant hear properly…..its bloody annoying! 


Anyway I hope everyone has a brill Christmas and a superb New Year……have a safe one……Kingmagic.


Santa Is Alive……!!!

December 22, 2006

Santa is Alive and hes in Trouble……


He has also been sacked from a major department store in London for making inappropiate comments to children and parents and most recently he has been fined for not wearing a seatbelt in Doncaster!

Come on people of the world, let us unite and vote in a new Santa! Should it be right that we entrust our presents to be delivered by an unelected representative of the North Pole?

I nominate that fat bloke off  the telly series “Pie in the Sky” you know the one, the policeman who has his own restaurant and solves all the crimes whilst still trying to move! In fact he could also investigate any untoward happenings with the presents. Two birds with one stone!