Under the (Snowy) Weather…!

My eyes are sore, red and gritty…!

My nose is running…and blocked at the same time!

My ears hurt as if needles are being poked about inside them…!

My throat is on fire…I feel as if I’ve swallowed a small hedgehog that was wearing a waistcoat made out of chilli and curry powder…!

My jaw and teeth ache and I feel like ripping them out…!

My limbs are weak with pain in all my joints…!

My senses are fuddled and hence the cartoon which displays a moment of undiplomatic maddness brought on by my…

Man Flu…!!!

  

Ecstasy and Agony…!

E

I recently had occasion to speak to one of our new A/E docs. He had just started his placement and was keen as mustard absorbing all the new sights, sounds and smells of the different patients that graced the department. Most doctors remember with some fondness their time in A/E before specialising elsewhere in the NHS. The things that are seen and heard in A/E would be dismissed as sheer fantasy by people not working within the profession.

And so it was that we started on the subject of drug abuse within society and the many, varied and ingenious ways that people find to attain that high. If people want to absorb something potentially toxic and life threatening into their system in order to escape the day to day rigours of life then there is a myriad of ways available.

From the obvious…alcohol, beer and spirits swallowed with relish in many a fine drinking emporium. To the smoking of various tobaccos either legally or illegally with all the inherent health issues that it brings with it. To the more severe forms of edification such as the use of hard drugs…heroin, cocaine and the like.

So it was with great relish that I furnished the new A/E doctor with knowledge of the latest fashion of drug use. As I relayed this information he wrote many scribbles in his note book for future reference, not daring to miss any snippet of advice on the subject. Drug users/abusers are renowned for their ingenious ways of sampling pharmaceutical bliss. 

I imparted the wisdom of many years experience and told him about the new way of taking “Ecstasy”. The user grounds up the tablet into a powder and places it into the bowl of a large spoon. This is then diluted with either milk or water to make a solution. The solution is then drawn up into a hypodermic syringe making sure there are no air bubbles present. It is then injected between the teeth!!!

As I was telling all this to the doctor, he occasionally muttered a “tut tut” or gently shook his head as he wrote down the instructions. At the end of this I then mentioned to him that it is only used in this way up north…Yorkshire to be precise.

And the medical name for this practice?…

“Eeee! By gum!”  

Bugger! Missed!

“Don’t Worry…About a Ting!”…

  

Turning into the street we were confronted by a mass of blue lights and smoke. The three fire engines were at the front of the house with hose wheels deployed and telescopic Halogen lights illuminating the full frontage of the scene.

We carefully park up behind the rear fire engine and don our helmets, hi-viz and collected the gear we may need. We’ve been called to a “House fire, persons reported!” Two teams of fire men wearing BA gear are already inside the house searching for the occupants.

We quickly located the boss Trumpton and asked for an update….”Four sets of BA are inside, two upstairs, two downstairs. At this moment in time we don’t believe there is anyone inside!”

Within a few minutes the search teams come out and and are checked off against the BA board. There is no one inside but they appear excited at what they have found whilst searching the smoke ridden house. The boss Trumpton tells us not to breath in the smoke that is emanating from the house….as we stand in the front garden looking at the wisps of smoke filtering between the house bricks and window sills as the “blower” vents the property.

The street is filled with even more blue lights as the Police turn up and park behind our truck. Within seconds the Sergeant enters into an animated discussion with the boss Trumpton. Whilst this is happening the smoke is blowing over us as the wind suddenly gusts and changes direction. “Thats odd! It doesn’t smell like a normal house fire should!” I mention to my mate.

“Thats because its not a normal house fire lads!” One of the firemen nearby tells us. “We,ve found a cannabis farm and the whole lot has almost gone up!” Looking around at the other firemen, the chiefs, the Police constable…..and my mate everyone is smiling! All the residents have come out into the street to have a good look….and to have a good sniff! Thoughts of setting up trestle tables in the middle of the street and having a party spring to mind. Some one some where must have a copy of Bob Marleys “Legend”.

We stayed on scene for a while longer…acting as “Safety crew” for the fire brigade while they continue damping down….honest! We are all very, very happy! Once it is deemed safe to enter and the Police have got their forensics squared away, we have a sneaky peek inside the downstairs of the house. It is like a scene from some jungle documentary. Every square inch of space is covered with cannabis plants, tin foil and now defunct heat lamps!

Within seconds of us calling “Clear not required, now green!”  on the radio we are given our next job……

Minutes later we are stood in front of an elderly chap with big, daft, stupid grins on our faces as he explains his reason for calling us. Every now and then one of us giggles….much to the puzzlement of our patient! I can’t help myself when I say to him “Don’t worry…about a ting! Cos every little ting…is gonna be alright!”  My crew mate has to go outside before he ruptures something!

Chilled to the max…!

“Taxi-dermy!”….

  

A posse of cars…

Just when things seem okay….when life looks a little bit rosier….when work is getting bearable…when it does not seem like the whole world is conspiring against you to make your day one of those exasperating “will I lose my job if I say the wrong thing?” kind of days….

….Up pops a job that I have not had in a while.

“Puzzle Palace (Command & Control) to Kingmagic 69 are you receiving? Over.”

“Kingmagic 69 to Puzzle Palace receiving go ahead with message. Over.”

“Can you attend on Red number 3 Somebodies House, Elsewhere Street, for a 79 year old female suffering from a ‘medical condition’ ? Over.”

“Roger all received.”

And with that the “Blues & Twos” went on and we made progress towards our patient. Traffic was not busy but we still had to negotiate through some road works and past a school during the school run. It was “eyeballs peeled” time! After a short while we turned into the street we were looking for and pulled up outside number 3. I say we pulled up outside number 3, we actually pulled up about four doors away due to there being no parking space outside the house due to the amount of cars there.

Leaping gazelle like from the cab and grabbing the resus bag and the “Jolly Green Giant” bag, I speedily ambled to the front door of the address. Before we had chance to press the door bell the door opened and a parade of people started to file out of the house, and got into the three cars that were parked outside..and drove away. After what seemed like ten minutes we eventually were ushered inside and shown to our patient.

Standing in front of the telly wearing her overcoat, head scarf and her handbag looped over her arm was our patient. She started to walk towards the door before we even had chance to utter a word. “I,ll see yer later mam!” was voiced by the only other person in the room. The daughter, I presumed in the best traditions of Sherlock Holmes.

“Erm excuse me. Can you tell us why we,ve been called?” It is at this stage that all professional Ambulance peeps around the country await the answer with baited breath. Usually its a straight forward reasonable reply that makes sense….”My hearts stopped“….or “I fell three weeks ago and my big toe is still bothering me“….or “I,ve just watched ‘Casualty’ on the telly and I,ve got what that actor fellas got!”

The reply came from the daughter….”Me mams bin ill for years an ‘as a skin sumut or nuther! The doc said ‘e would come after surgery but I can’t wait in cos I,m due at work in an ‘our!” “Can yer tek ‘er to the hospital til I finish me shift?”

It was at this time that my career flashed before my very eyes! In a parallel dimension I imagined myself smashing the porcelain ornament that stood on the mantelshelf, and ramming the sharp remnants hard into the side of the daughters unprotected neck standing back to watch the ever decreasing life blood pump ever more weakly from the carotid artery creating a macabre masterpiece of modern art on the wood chip wall paper.

My eyes refocused to the present dimension. “Why can’t you take her to hospital?” I asked politely still weighing up the ornament/carotid artery option. The local hospital is about 10 minutes drive from where we were. And upon further questioning it turned out they had been waiting two hours for us as the job was originally an urgent detail which had been upgraded to a 999 due to it running out of time! The GP thought that if they were so insistent on contacting him then the patient needed to be in hospital!

So…we had travelled on “Blues & Twos” unnecessarily putting our lives and other road users life at risk to attend a lady who did have an existing medical condition, but the daughter needed her to be looked after for the afternoon due to her shift at work! And if the GP had been able to get out sooner (and this is not his fault) he would have given the family a bollocking for wasting his time. Something we can’t do as we tend to get sacked….quite easily!

Who do I aim for first?…

The ladies pre-exsisting medical condition…….Dermatitis!