S.W.A.B. …..Special Wounds And Bandages…

I am joining a new unit called SWAB, Special Wounds And Bandages. 

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“Its What We Do…”

Its primary mission is to provide specialized back up to Ambulance crews on the ground. Its secondary role is that of A/E admission prevention by being a more proactive cell of the Ambulance Service rather than a reactive one.

SWAB (Special Wounds and Bandages) is a specialized unit in many United Kingdom Ambulance Services, which is trained to perform dangerous operations. These can include dressing head wounds of violent drunks, performing hostage rescue, preventing panic attacks and engaging heavily “chaved” people in conversation. SWAB teams are equipped with specialized kit including heavy duty thermos flasks (for when it’s a bit nippy), portable DVD players (while away the hours on standby), kevlar armoured string vest (cos you never know) and NASA designed combat/medic boots with full-on satellite tracking and built in computer (determines if you are really on scene and not lurking nearby). Also issued are specialized MOE tools (Method Of Entry) usually a half brick for window entry and a sturdy wheelie bin to ram through the front door (if no answer to polite knocking). SWAB teams also have special NVE (Night Vision Equipment)…..a torch.

SWAB duties

Swab duties include:

  • Non-violent treatment of desperate barricaded casualties;
  • Protecting emergency personnel against BB gun snipers;
  • Providing high-ground and perimeter security against BB gun snipers for visiting dignitaries;
  • Providing controlled assault bandaging in certain non-riot situations, i.e., barricaded casualties;
  • Rescuing officers and citizens captured or endangered by Chavs and/or Chavettes; and,
  • Neutralizing local pond scum or estate hoodies.  

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Training

SWAB officers are selected from volunteers within their Ambulance Service organization. Depending on the services policy, Officers generally have to serve a minimum tenure within the service before being able to apply for a specialist section such as SWAB. This tenure requirement is based on the fact that SWAB officers are still Ambulance Stretcher Monkeys and must have a thorough knowledge of service policies and procedures.SWAB applicants undergo rigorous selection and training, similar to the training some special operations units in the Salvation Army receive. Applicants must pass stringent physical agility, written, oral, and psychological testing to ensure they are not only fit enough but also psychologically suited for tactical operations. 

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Accurate Bandaging Saved This Mans Foot

In addition, applicants must successfully pass a stringent background investigation and job performance review. Emphasis is placed on physical fitness so an officer will be able to withstand the rigors of a twelve hour shift without a break. After an officer has been selected, the potential member must undertake and pass numerous specialist courses that will make him/her a fully qualified SWAB operator. Officers are trained in bandagemanship for the development of accurate bandaging skills, although the use of bandages is considered a last resort in SWAB operations. Other training that could be given to potential members includes training in tea making, sandwich buying, fish and chip price negotiation skills, handling dog units (the Ambulance Service will be getting a K9 unit soon), and groovy discotheque dance moves (for the ladies!) and the use of specialized T.V. remote controls.

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Victim of a Chav Attack

I am due to go on a parachuting course this weekend. This will allow myself and other SWAB team members to silently descend upon the outer estates and treat the pondscum and Chavs whilst they are sleeping off the booze or the hit from whatever chemicals they have injected.

Then again I may get the old cheese grater out (my favoured implement of revenge) and cheese grate their finger ends off! I may even use the old superglue on the eyelids trick, always a good one amongst the troops.

I will let you know how it goes and update you all on SWAB team operations! Untill then………….

HOO! HAA!

 

 

11 Responses to S.W.A.B. …..Special Wounds And Bandages…

  1. Carmelo says:

    “Daddy when I grow up I wanna be in SWAB!”

  2. Pray tell me, kind sir, but – why are you saving Chavs?

  3. Kingmagic says:

    “CHAVS” are the social out casts of our land, the unofficial name for those that abide by their own laws and codes of misconduct.
    Different explanations have been put forward for the term “CHAV” – Council House And Violent is one. Obviously this is a sweeping generalisation and we all know that a lot of good people live in council houses.
    They even have their own website.

  4. A perfect example is my 15 year old sister. Looks like a Chav, acts like a chav, talks like a chav and writes like a chav. There really is no hope. I can see it now, in 40 years time, the UK will grind to a halt with hordes of angry chavs!

  5. Iain MacBain says:

    When I grow uo I want to be like Josh from “casualty”. In the meantime I’ll put in a transfer requect to SWAB. Woder if my training as a Certified Underclass Nutralising Technician will help?

  6. ecparamedic says:

    Classic post! :-)

  7. Kingmagic says:

    Carmelo and Iain, your applications are being processed.
    If all is well with your applications then you may very soon be joining….

    SWAB TEAM 6.

    Will keep you posted…….kingmagic, SWAB Team Leader.

    “Its what we do….”

  8. devtech says:

    I might never make it to be a Certified Underclass Neutralising Technician……..but until they merged with Dorset I was definitely a Trainee Wesctcountry Ambulance Technician.

  9. Bonjour, excusez-moi car je ne sais ni parler ni écrire en anglais mais j’aurais besoin de vous contacter pour solliciter une autorisation d’utilisation de l’une des images illustrant cet article pour une chronique que j’écris sur mon blog.
    Pourriez-vous avoir l’obligeance de me contacter par mail.
    Je vous en serai très reconnaissante.
    Cordialement

  10. j says:

    hi, just started reaiding this blog, and i have to say its bloody hilarious, some posts make me cry with laughter, i’m enrolling in a 3 year paramedic foundation degree course soon and just wanted to research what ‘a day in the life of’ a paramedic is like, and trusst me, these blogs show me a much more realistic view thatn the recruiting pages on the ambulance service websites. It seems like an interesting job on the whole, just a quick question, may seem silly, but what is SWAB, is it really a division of the ambulance service or a bit of fun in this blog, I think as read more of this blog I’ll find out anyway, but i am impatient, thanks

  11. kingmagic says:

    j…somewhere in the big City there is a group of men (and some women) who live underground. No one knows who they are or how to contact them. But when bad things need doing to bad people then this group will come in the middle of the night and visit violence upon the scum and scroats who infest our society. They are the men (and women) of SWAB Team 6! …..cue ‘A’ Team music.

    My job is the best job in the world…and also the worst!

    Good luck for your training and never believe your patient is dying until you see the long thin flat line……..Kingmagic.

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