What Would You Really Like To Do…?

January 10, 2007

Having read fellow colleagues blogs about the misuse of the 999 system and the fun encounters with certain members of the public, I thought I would pass on my technique for chillin’ and keeping sane.


I have studied Sports Medicine and know about “Black Box”techniques and other psychological methods for getting rid of bad experiences and promoting the good aspects of a particular sporting profession or style. And it does work.

But you cant beat a bit of imaginary mindless and senseless violence from time to time to get it properly off your chest. That is why I advocate the “Cheese-grater” method, developed in Switzerland by a Prof. Georgio Sweatknacker in the early 1870s.

You will need:

  1. The reason for your misery (encounter with chav/stupid person/neighbour etc)
  2. 5 minutes on your own
  3. A quiet area (away from the police or mental institutes)
  4. A fertile imagination (drug/alcohol induced does not count)
  5. Alarm clock to wake you up and bring you back to reality. (Health & Safety)


For example: A 999 time-waster has rung to ask for help in locating trousers/remote control/Santa Claus or has fallen over 8 weeks ago and now feels that at 0430 in the morning they should get someone to look at their nose!

Close your eyes….and relax…let your thoughts drift away through the window of your mind…I said relax you numbnuts!…concentrate on the noises outside the window of the room you are in…pick one noise and focus on that one sound…focus…focus…focus…

Now think of that reason you want to display mindless violence against…and go for it…………!!!


Here is my technique in full…

  1. Capture the source of your misery…ie chav.
  2. Strap their leg/legs to a washable kitchen table
  3. Expose the lower/upper leg/legs
  4. Take one rusty cheese-grater
  5. Grate through the skin and soft tissue down to the tibia (or femur)
  6. Take one broken drill bit covered in tramps excrement
  7. Drill through to the marrow…slowly
  8. Suction out the bone marrow with a sharp ended catheter
  9. Syringe into the tibia/femur Hydrochloric Acid
  10. Stand back and admire your handiwork. 


Good Effort with Cheese-grater…

Always works for me.

What would YOU do…?

Next week:  Kingmagics Top Tips for Unwanted House Guests!