What Would You Really Like To Do…?

Having read fellow colleagues blogs about the misuse of the 999 system and the fun encounters with certain members of the public, I thought I would pass on my technique for chillin’ and keeping sane.


I have studied Sports Medicine and know about “Black Box”techniques and other psychological methods for getting rid of bad experiences and promoting the good aspects of a particular sporting profession or style. And it does work.

But you cant beat a bit of imaginary mindless and senseless violence from time to time to get it properly off your chest. That is why I advocate the “Cheese-grater” method, developed in Switzerland by a Prof. Georgio Sweatknacker in the early 1870s.

You will need:

  1. The reason for your misery (encounter with chav/stupid person/neighbour etc)
  2. 5 minutes on your own
  3. A quiet area (away from the police or mental institutes)
  4. A fertile imagination (drug/alcohol induced does not count)
  5. Alarm clock to wake you up and bring you back to reality. (Health & Safety)


For example: A 999 time-waster has rung to ask for help in locating trousers/remote control/Santa Claus or has fallen over 8 weeks ago and now feels that at 0430 in the morning they should get someone to look at their nose!

Close your eyes….and relax…let your thoughts drift away through the window of your mind…I said relax you numbnuts!…concentrate on the noises outside the window of the room you are in…pick one noise and focus on that one sound…focus…focus…focus…

Now think of that reason you want to display mindless violence against…and go for it…………!!!


Here is my technique in full…

  1. Capture the source of your misery…ie chav.
  2. Strap their leg/legs to a washable kitchen table
  3. Expose the lower/upper leg/legs
  4. Take one rusty cheese-grater
  5. Grate through the skin and soft tissue down to the tibia (or femur)
  6. Take one broken drill bit covered in tramps excrement
  7. Drill through to the marrow…slowly
  8. Suction out the bone marrow with a sharp ended catheter
  9. Syringe into the tibia/femur Hydrochloric Acid
  10. Stand back and admire your handiwork. 


Good Effort with Cheese-grater…

Always works for me.

What would YOU do…?

Next week:  Kingmagics Top Tips for Unwanted House Guests!


7 Responses to What Would You Really Like To Do…?

  1. Prof Scrub says:

    Dear 999,

    “Someone spiked my Christmas pudding. Someone spiked my Christmas pudding. I cant feel my legs. I cant feeeeeeel my leeeeeeeeeeeegs.”

    Yours annoyingly,
    Prof Scrub

  2. Iain MacBain says:

    I’m sometimes scared to let my mind run riot.

    I would like to take one of the ofending personages and inprison them in a small room without widows for a minimum of two weeks. During this forced incarceration I would make the eat salad, read the Times/Independent or similar and shower every day. At the end of that I would then arrange for a haircut that did not involve clippers or the formation of tram lline things in the new growth.

    At the end of this spell their clothes would be removed and they would be made to set fire to these items. The altenate clothing would be a fine suit and some nice shiny brogues. Ones not found in TK Max. Once re-clad the perpitrator woul be forced into the employof a majour bank/insurance company, somewhere a shirt and tie are mandatory.

    I just cant think of anything more appropriate except possibly castration.

  3. ecparamedic says:

    I feel your frustration……

  4. Tila says:

    My god, what I wouldn’t give to do that to two or three people I know…

  5. The topic is quite trendy on the Internet at the moment. What do you pay the most attention to while choosing what to write about?

  6. Great Blog, Dude! I am constantly on the watch for new and interesting sports sites and info… which is what led me here. I certainly plan on visiting again! Adios

  7. Sweet blog! I found it while surfing around on Yahoo News.
    Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?
    I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there!

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