‘CRASH’…The back door burst inwards, the frame splintering apart showering glass onto the kitchen floor. Three dark figures rushed into the dark room, glass crunching under their black high leg boots. Covered from head to toe in black and with raised fire arms in the shoulder, the three intruders quickly made their way into the inner confines of the dwelling.
No lights were on, no one seemed to be down stairs, all was quiet apart from the dull thud of boots on living room carpet. All three made their way to the bottom of the stairs and without a second glance ran up two steps at a time. The first crouched at the top whilst number two went left into the first bedroom and number three went right into the second bedroom.
From entering the building to getting upstairs exactly 15 seconds had passed.
The silence was broken by shouts of protest from the second bedroom. “What the f**k! Who are you?” accompanied by the noise of someone hurriedly trying to get out of bed. “Piss off from me, I’ll have you you f****r!” The other two figures in black joined their colleague in the second bedroom. A light switch was flicked and a single bare light bulb illuminated all within the room.
On the edge of the bed trying to pull on his dark blue ‘Adidas’ trackie bottoms with one hand and fumble for a knife with the other was ‘Bezza’ . His eyes screwed up against the sudden bright light, his lips curled back against nicotine stained teeth and his scrawny drug riddled, benefit assisted frame started to rise from the bed. Looking down at him were three figures dressed in black, all armed and all totally focused on Bezza.
“Stand still or I will punch your f*****g teeth so far down your throat you’ll have to shove a toothbrush up your arse to clean them!” The first black figure in the room lowered his weapon and curled his black gloved fist in front of ‘Bezza’. The other two black clad figures quickly searched the room for any signs of weapons or incriminating evidence.
Bezza did not heed the warning from in front of him and attempted to push past his uninvited guests. ‘CRUMP’ went Bezzas nose as gloved fist connected with facial protuberance. Blood and snot flew lazily through the air and landed on the beer stained wall next to the bed. Bezza staggered backwards and slumped against the wall. Both hands came up to his face in a desperate attempt to realign his broken nose.
“F****rs!!!” screamed Bezza as he tried to launch himself at the nearest man in black. Next came the sound of the wardrobe has it exploded into pieces as Bezza was sent flying into it. As he scrabbled to get up out of one of MFI’s discounted range of bedroom furniture, the first man in black stepped up and using both gloved hands slapped him hard on the ears at the same time. A slight cupping of the hands gave out a kind of muffled “CLOP” noise as Bezzas eardrums burst. Bezza was not having a good night!
Howling with pain and eventually gaining his feet Bezza finally began to focus on who was in the room with him. “Who are you f****rs, what do you want?” He warily looked at the three men in black facing him. The only tell tale sign of who they were was a small camouflaged patch on their right shoulders…it said ‘SWAB’. ” “Are you Police you b*****ds?” Bezza began to regain his composure “Because I can have you done…for assault…ah know my rights! I’ll get you all sacked and I’ll get loads of compo you f*****g b*****ds!”
“SWAB” Special Wounds And Bandages. And we hear you’ve been a naughty little boy Bez!” The leader of the three spoke through his respirator as he stepped towards him. “What have ah done…I aint done nowt! Prove it you w****r!” Bezzas night was about to get a whole lot worse. But he didn’t know that…yet! Shaking his head to try and stop the ringing and to try and gather his thoughts he quickly darted for the bedroom door. Before he had reached the door a black clad arm came out and ‘necked’ him.
Bezza lay there on the floor gasping for breath with pain coursing through his throat, through his ears and through his nose. “You…You little piece of shit…have been taking the piss with your ‘rights’ so we have been asked to have a chat with you to see if you will mend the error of your ways?” Bezza kept grabbing at his neck and trying to speak but found it difficult. Rolling onto his side he started to pull himself up onto the bed.
“What ave ah dun then?” Bezza croaked between gasps. “What have you done…? Well let us see…assaults on men, women and children, theft of cars, aggravated burglaries, robbing a pensioner in the street of her handbag, criminal damage, vandalism, benefit fraud, drug possession with intent to supply, possession of offensive weapons… and…crimes against fashion! In fact looking at your record you have over 70 offences racked up!”
“Dunt madder doh does it? Cos ah can do what the f**k ah want can ah? An youse lot cant touch me cos I’ve got rights! You lot are so dead when I find out who you are!” The leader of the three man SWAB team moved ever so closer to Bezza and stared long and hard into his eyes as if eyeing up his prey before the kill. Every now and then the leader would tilt his head to one side and then to the other as if he was inspecting a new type of insect.
“Anyway what the f***k is SWAB? Its nowt cos my rights come first dunt they youse b*****ds?” The leader removed his respirator and looked at Bezza through the eye slit of his nomex balaclava. “Well we have different hats in SWAB. We have our Police hat for law and order issues…and we have an Ambulance hat for trauma emergencies and the like!” Calmly the SWAB team skipper moved back a couple of feet from Bezza as he rose from the bed.
“F***k me! So you lot are sent to try and scare me…I aint scared of nowt!…I’m brick I am!” And with that Bezza tried to once again make good his escape. “SNAP” Bezzas knee cap shattered with the blow from the butt of a Colt Commando assault rifle. “I thought you might not be persuaded to mend the error of your ways…so let me introduce you to our other hat… meet Justice Hat!” The third SWAB team member moved effortlessly round to face Bezza.. and brought his weapon upto bear. Muzzle resting against Bezzas head the third member said “Nothing personal pond scum!” And with that he pulled the trigger…..!!!!!!!
I awake and look around to find the alarm clock going off! Just another couple of minutes in bed. And with a nice warm fuzzy feeling I drift off back to sleep….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Foot note: this is as a result of a conversation with a Police officer on what should happen to some of these scrotes. I think he should be made Chief Constable…but somehow I dont think he will get the job…mores the pity!)