A Shaggy Dog Story…!

Blues on, sirens going and the truck leans over precariously as we make a sharp right at the end of the street. Ahead of us sees the full splendour of urbanite decay…knackered fridges and cannibalised cars in peoples front gardens. We slow down to negotiate the speed bumps, put in place years ago to slow down the joyriders who nick cars around here as if its a social prerequisite. All its ever done is give the joyriders more of a challenge and pissed off the decent car drivers who suffer the wear and tear on their vehicles.

As we slow down to weave between the abandoned wheelie bins which have been thrown into the road, I take another quick look at the screen to confirm the address we are going to is correct. ‘158 NohopeStreet’ on the ‘Barricade Estate’. Our lights are off and the sirens are silenced…we ‘run silent run deep’towards our destination. It doesnt pay to attract too much attention to ourselves around here.

Half way down the street we make a left into a cul de sac which is a posh way of saying a potential trap! Our eyes are scoping out the doorways and alley ways looking out for the tell tale signs that we’ve been set up. All is quiet on this dark street with the only illumination coming from the one street light that has so far survived the attentions of the kids with their air rifles and cross bows! The address reveals itself to us near to the end of the close.

Getting out of the truck I subconsciously check that I’ve got the hand held radio and mobile phone…just in case. And I make sure that I have my large heavy duty 3 cell Mag-lite with me also…JUST in case! Picking the green bag up and waiting for my crew mate to lock the truck I look at the front door of the address. Its like any other council door on any other council estate…its seen better days! At first sight it looks like a work of modern art until on closer inspection the door is actually a patchwork quilt of wood a result of previous visits from all and sundry.

The door is slightly open and a male voice beckons us in. “This way lads, sorry to have called you out and all that but its the wife…I cant get her to wake up!” This does not bode well. The male looks to be in his late thirties so how old is his wife and what does she suffer from at her age? These thoughts pass through your mind all the time as you continually reassess the situation. “Shes up stairs. We’ve just got back in from the pub like and she collapsed like!”

Making our way up the stairs we follow the male into a well lived in bedroom. I’ve seen worse…not much worse. And there she is laid on the floor covered in vomit and stinking of kebabs! (Always does it for me!) Inwardly I breathe a sigh of relief that she is okay and that all the husband wants to do is make sure she is alright, “She can hold her drink can our lass! Shes only been out since two this avvy!”  I mentally count down the seconds until we are going to hear that well known expression…5, 4, 3, 2, 1….”Do you think her drinks bin spiked lads?” 

A quick look at her pupils and trying to avoid the second hand kebab around her mouth so I can properly check her airway is met by“Waaaa thhhhefffff……geroff yer fffffff…..!”  Marvellous! Grabbing an armpit each and carefully lifting her up we place her on the bed where she starts coming round and attempts to focus on the two hi-viz jackets in her bedroom. “Hey I,m real sorry lads! I thought she was like real poorly like!”  the husband offers his profuse apologies. “No harm done mate. Just need to do some paperwork then we’ll leave you to it!”

My mate bimbles off to the truck to get the paperwork which we need to get signed before calling clear. As I’m talkng to the husband about the latest football scores and the weather and occassionaly helping his wife to sit up straight, a sudden commotion is heard from the bottom of the stairs. “Bollocks! The f****** dogs got loose!”  exclaims the husband. All I can hear is banging and struggling and muffled sounds as if something with fangs is trying to bark with a mouth full of ambulancemans trousers!

The husband flies out of the bedroom followed by me just in time to see the door being slammed shut and to hear the pavement being slapped with a pair of size nines running towards the truck! I momentarily recall that my crew mate has a morbid fear of dogs…and cats…and birds…well any animal really! “Can you grab the dog and I’ll check on my mate?”  I ask the husband to put the dog in the back room. Up until now I’ve not seen the dog yet. “Tyson! Tyson! Ged ere you mad b*****d ….!”  I hear the husband calling to mans best friend as I wait at the top of the stairs.

Once the beast has been calmed and secured away in the back room I make my way to the truck to find my crewmate locked in the cab. “You okay?” I shout through the side window, “Have you been bitten?” Nervously he holds up his leg and displays the tattered remains of his left trouser leg. “B*****d nearly had me throat out!” he states as a matter of fact. “So what happened then?” I ask again through the side window.

“I was just coming back in the hallway and looking down at the first step on the stairs when I looked up and came face to face with a snarling, face full of teeth and spittle!!!”  He looks petrified. “So I spun round as fast as I could but me f****** hi-viz got caught on the banister and no matter how hard I tried I could not move. And the vicious b*****d had me! Until I managed to slip out of me jacket and leg it through the door!” 

I leave my crew mate in the safety of the truck and return to the house to retrieve his hi-viz jacket. The husband apologises for everything which makes a pleasant surprise for this area. “Hows the dog?”  I ask. The husband opens the door and in trots Tyson’  into the hallway.  I take a quick pic on my mobile phone to let the lads back at base see this monster ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’.

And here Ladies and Gentlemen is the nearest picture to preserve confidentiality that I could find:

“TYSON the scourge of Ambulancemens trousers every where!”


15 Responses to A Shaggy Dog Story…!

  1. When it comes to ferocious dogs, size isn’t everything; in my experience anything with any trace of ‘Jack Russell’ in it’s DNA should come with a health warning.

  2. Bendy Girl says:

    You had me going right up until the photo! It must be so frightening going to places like that at night, I think you’re all very brave for doing so.
    I actually did have my drink ‘spiked’ once. With alcohol. I was a cadet and my 21st birthday was being celebrated. I did drink alcohol, but never much as I was such a lightweight. It being a special occasion, when the O/C produced a bottle of port I felt I had to have a drink. I remember being bought a pint, lifted onto a wall and two burly blokes being stood either side of me, told that if I fell off backwards (quite a drop) they were for it.

    The next day I was told what happened. I’d ended up passing out on the O/C’s feet, who wanted to know how the hell I was that pissed. Funnily enough I couldn’t tell him so he went to find out. Turned out some of my ‘mates’ had thought as it was my birthday I should get really wasted. So what I thought was a glass of port and the pint, more than enough to make me fall over anyway, had also been a birthday present of vodka dropped into the pint. In an environment where heavy drinking was encouraged they’d just assumed I’d be able to take it like anyone else could.
    Makes for a funny story these days though!
    lil sis (the black sheep of the family) x

  3. ROFLMAO!!!!! Oh man, does that bring back a memory, but first, you only carry a 3 cell Maglite? Wimp! Be a man and get a 4 cell! Size matters! 😉

    My ex-medic partner Denise was horribly afraid of dogs, having been bitten by one as a kid. We get a call one day at this tenement building, and approach the apartment door to hear this dog barking behind it. From the high pitch bark I deduced that it was probably nothing more than an overstuffed rat; a plush toy probably would be bigger than the dog associated with that bark.

    This was no consolation for Denise, as she recoiled in horror behind me. I knocked on the door, an elderly woman answered, and I told her we would not come in unless the dog was locked away. She insisted that it was not harmful, but we were not having anything of that. (Especially since Denise’s nails were digging a trench into my arm.)

    She put the dog away, we entered, and were assessing her condition, when this tiny demon from Mexico makes her way out of the bedroom, as apparently the bedroom door was not closed properly. With an annoying “Yip, yip!!!” the freakish little thing raced over to me and challenged me head on. I glanced over my shoulder, and just like the Road Runner, Denise was out the front door, headed for parts unknown.

    And then, it happened. The Mexican terror struck at the front of my steel-toed boot.

    I decided that this clearly crossed the line with me, and I proceeded to make believe I was Pele, and deposited said dog across the room with one well placed corner kick.

    That was enough for it, and it ambled off into the bedroom The old lady was pissed off, not that I really cared. I picked up the equipment, and walked out, and told her that unless the dog stays put, we’re not coming back, and next time, I’m bringing the ASPCA cops with me. (We eventually did go back, but I did have to heavily medicate Denise prior. Good thing we carried Valium.)

  4. jonny says:

    so what kind of dog was it? a large vicous guard dog?

  5. kingmagic says:

    UHDD…right on about the Jack Russells, vicious sods!

    Lil sis…I have never been to a spiked drink job yet that was truely a spiked drink. On all my follow ups every single one of the hundreds I went to were simply drunk through excess. Thats not to say it does not happen but even the docs in A/E are hard pushed to recall many….big bro x

    Mr. Nighttime…we only get issued the three cell version as it is deemed to be provocative if we wade in with anything bigger. Peace through superior firepower is usually my motto!
    Thinking back I see that most of the bites sustained by colleagues have come from the smaller dogs!

    jonny…it was like the one in the picture, a cute looking little bundle of puppiness with a high energy output.

  6. Louise says:

    I’ve been to several calls where I’ve refused to go in the door until the dog I can hear going nuts is put in another room!

  7. “Mr. Nighttime…we only get issued the three cell version as it is deemed to be provocative if we wade in with anything bigger.”

    They issue you a Maglite? hmm……I had to buy mine…Then again, I wore Level III body armor under my uniform, as did many of my colleagues…….

  8. Emma says:

    Very well written as ever magic man, kept me gripped till the end, when’s the book coming out??..xx

  9. Anon says:

    You know that picture… Is it from an X-Files episode?

  10. joan says:

    Hi Kingsmagic

    Did you see escala last night! they were great, so talented heres one that will be votin for them tonight
    take care

  11. AnneDroid says:

    A well told story with a good wag, rather than sting, in the tail.

    As a student minister I once had to do a cold call type pastoral visit to people I’d never met. They greeted me at the door with “Oh good, a stranger. Our dog’s a bit aggressive but we’ve just today bought it a muzzle. Now we can try it out”. I had to sit on a seemingly extra low couch with this thing snarling in my face from behind its muzzle. I cut the visit very short.

  12. TheBinarySurfer says:

    Hah. First time poster from Nightjack’s site here and like the look of it – added you to my regular read list!

  13. kingmagic says:

    Louise…watch out for the ankle nippers also!

    Mr. Nighttime…I would prefer body armour to the maglite anytime! And I would prefer us to get rid of our stupid dispatch system ‘Call Connect’ which sends us out to unknown jobs!

    Emma…I will have to write a bit more before considering a book. If I do I will put you down for a signed copy. x.

    Anon…which picture?

    joan…saw Escala and they sounded good, although a lot of help from backing tapes. Still like the style of music though.

    AnneDroid…people sometimes think its normal to have a snarling, salivating dog in the house. I went to a house that had four huge bear pawed monsters in the garden that were desparately trying to smash their way through the wall to get at me and my mate!

    TheBinarySurfer…thanks TBS. I read Nightjacks stuff too.

  14. Anon says:

    The bloke with the horror face 😛

  15. kingmagic says:

    Anon…I typed in ‘scared’ on Google to get the pic. Dont know if it was from X Files.

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