One Lump or Two…?


Foxtrot-Oscar 1

Saturday night brought me back into the Big City to do a shift on the Foxtrot-Oscar RRV. This is a Rapid Response Vehicle crewed by myself and a Police Officer for 8 hours of fun filled shenanighans with members of the public.

It started off badly. The vehicle I was to use would not start…it refused to fire up. Even with my soft words of encouragement…”come on you f*&<ing useless piece of s>&t!” I was more hacked off because I had just completed a full vehicle kit check…monitors, gases, drugs, dressings, forms, safety gear and all the other equipment which most of the nights customers probaly would not need.


Our first vehicle…

Eventually it fired up and coughed & spluttered into life like some bronchitic patient having his first cig on a cold morning. Now I just had make it to the Police station and pick up my mate for the shift. Having arrived at the police station and located my Police crew mate we went back out to the vehicle…an old 4 x 4 that had seen better days. We jumped into the car and called our relative control rooms.

I keyed the engine expecting it to roar into life announcing to the world that we were on a mission, we were ready to take on all comers. We had the kit, we had the knowledge, we had the vehicle, we had both our controls chomping at the bit ready to assign us jobs…we just didnt have lift off!   “B>@#%&<d car!”  It just would not start and the sound of the engine turning over yet not catching sounded more like maniacal laughter resounding all around the car park of the Police station!

Eventually we were picked up and driven to another ambulance station to pick up a spare RRV. A newer Volvo, more agile, more poke, more lights and sirens than a Ambulance Trade Convention. This car was better, although still not exactly the “mutts nuts” we settled for the “badgers nadgers.” Now it was time to meet our public! Oh joy!! 


What we really need…

Every single job was drink related…(our primary mission is to deal with drink related incidents and assaults and so free up more ambulances for the more serious calls)…and ranged from the usual booze fuelled fights that occur in every city and town centre on a weekend, to the more sinister assaults that were premeditated.


The usual tally of wounds/lumps & bumps included black eyes, split lips, bruises to the head, grazes to the body and a possible concussion after being hit full on with a housebrick to the forehead. A couple of jobs stood out due to the nastiness of the assaults.

The first was an unprovoked attack on a young lad who was walking his girlfriend home. A car stopped and three scroats jumped out and gave the young lad a severe beating resulting in a nasty mouth injury which was going to require surgery. I gave due credit to this lad as he was more concerned about his girlfriend and seemed to take it all in his stride. Not a case of false bravado I just think he displayed a confidence beyond his years.

The second nasty incident near to the end of the shift. Again another young lad had been beaten. Only this time he had been thrown from a moving car and then the car had turned around and tried to run him over! Luckily he suffered relatively minor facial injuries although the amount of blood on his face, clothes and the road would have indicated otherwise to someone outside of the job.

Our last job was to a “house fire, persons reported!” in the wee hours of sunday morning. The classic job…back home from the pub, chip pan on, fall asleep and hey presto…instant bonfire night in the comfort of your own home! He was brought out by the fire brigade non the worse for his little expedition into Dantes Inferno.

All in all it was a relatively quiet night for us…8 jobs all sorted out and no-one died…thank God!



9 Responses to One Lump or Two…?

  1. Carmelo says:

    Seriously? Just thrown out of the car? Scrotes indeed.

  2. Iain MacBain says:

    I like the sound of this as a combined taskforce thing. Does it make a big difference to freeing up other crews?

    Also do you share the driving? I bet it’s dependent on the car!

    Are there going to be coppers in SWAB as a tactical restraint and beeting unit?

  3. kingmagic says:

    It does make a big difference as sometimes we can do upto 15 jobs in a shift!
    Thats freeing crews up from attending, transporting, booking in and cutting down on turn round times.
    The police officer does not drive, hes there for any public order jobs sent from police control and also gives me a hand if a job gets difficult.
    As a combined agency role it works really well for us and for the police.
    Still working on SWAB…just need to find the time to allocate jobs to the lads.

  4. What is this SWAB that you’ve been talking about. I thought it was all a little fiction thing that you’d got going to have a bit of fun? Am I wrong?

  5. kingmagic says:

    Watch out for the next SWAB posting TP.
    Even a Porkpie can look at an Oak tree!

    Glad its going well at training school by the way…keep it up.

  6. Iain MacBain says:

    You should be able to Google SWAB. It’s a new government driven directive, funded by the home office, aimed at reducing the volume of inapropriate calls from those citizens classed as “D” and “E”s. Basically the populus that even pizza hut dont want to know.

    As I understand it, and I was introduced by kingmagic, the main aim is to reduce call volume by tackeling the issue at source. Effectivly cuttting off the head of the snake. It is a proactive, achieving, socially sensitive, non-discriminatory unit that will even employ redheads.

    Hopefully the unit will prove effective in dealing with cultural, social and ethical issues in an understanding and empathatic manor reducing the need and/or desire to beet the fuck**g crap out of stupid, undereducated, lazy, dole leaching, chav scum. If not were there any way – so why not.

    This is my take. Wait to see what the boss says.

  7. kingmagic says:

    iain…after you,ve seen someone I think I will put you in charge of proactive self defence.
    Smack them before they even open their gobs!!!

  8. Iain MacBain says:

    Yip, I’ve seen someone. Angrier than usual with the underclass yesterday. Was hurtling through Northtown on lights and sirens to a suspected MI when we got flagged down by a bloke about 20. This was at 1730 hours.

    Radiod conrol who allocated a job number and would of had to find another crew for the 64 year old having a heart attack. “my mates collapsed” sais young man 1.

    “What happened?” says I.

    “He’s pretty pissed, we’ve been drinking since 11am” says young man 1.

    Red mist crept into my field of vision, a target forming between the too close together eyes.

    Combined with last nights whisky my thoughts were extreme. Please accept my apologies.

  9. kingmagic says:

    Its that kind of job when we should be allowed to use our own common sense and using the rule of “justifying actions on scene…” and punch some F…ing sense into them.

    I believe a good neck stamping would of been in order too!

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