What Would You Really Like To Do…?

January 10, 2007

Having read fellow colleagues blogs about the misuse of the 999 system and the fun encounters with certain members of the public, I thought I would pass on my technique for chillin’ and keeping sane.


I have studied Sports Medicine and know about “Black Box”techniques and other psychological methods for getting rid of bad experiences and promoting the good aspects of a particular sporting profession or style. And it does work.

But you cant beat a bit of imaginary mindless and senseless violence from time to time to get it properly off your chest. That is why I advocate the “Cheese-grater” method, developed in Switzerland by a Prof. Georgio Sweatknacker in the early 1870s.

You will need:

  1. The reason for your misery (encounter with chav/stupid person/neighbour etc)
  2. 5 minutes on your own
  3. A quiet area (away from the police or mental institutes)
  4. A fertile imagination (drug/alcohol induced does not count)
  5. Alarm clock to wake you up and bring you back to reality. (Health & Safety)


For example: A 999 time-waster has rung to ask for help in locating trousers/remote control/Santa Claus or has fallen over 8 weeks ago and now feels that at 0430 in the morning they should get someone to look at their nose!

Close your eyes….and relax…let your thoughts drift away through the window of your mind…I said relax you numbnuts!…concentrate on the noises outside the window of the room you are in…pick one noise and focus on that one sound…focus…focus…focus…

Now think of that reason you want to display mindless violence against…and go for it…………!!!


Here is my technique in full…

  1. Capture the source of your misery…ie chav.
  2. Strap their leg/legs to a washable kitchen table
  3. Expose the lower/upper leg/legs
  4. Take one rusty cheese-grater
  5. Grate through the skin and soft tissue down to the tibia (or femur)
  6. Take one broken drill bit covered in tramps excrement
  7. Drill through to the marrow…slowly
  8. Suction out the bone marrow with a sharp ended catheter
  9. Syringe into the tibia/femur Hydrochloric Acid
  10. Stand back and admire your handiwork. 


Good Effort with Cheese-grater…

Always works for me.

What would YOU do…?

Next week:  Kingmagics Top Tips for Unwanted House Guests!

Teaching Them Bad Habits…!!!

January 9, 2007


Started my nights and so far its been the usual mix of urgent admissions with chest infections, emergencies with falls at home, falls in the pub, assault with a baseball bat and a transfer.

One of the falls in a pub was to a 14 year old male. On arrival scene we made our way into the pub to be greeted by a throng of kids ranging from nappie age to late teens. Our patient was lying on the floor and appeared to be in agony. About four feet away from us were kids  playing on the pub pool table.

Casting a wary eye around our surroundings (was this a parallel universe with Bugsy Malone?) we could just make out some adults drinking at the bar. One came over and started shouting that the young lad on the floor had broken his leg! Before we could ask any questions we were interupted by a woman who was shouting that the young lad was putting it on! This was mum & dad!

My crewmate tried to speak to the patient but the shouting between mum and dad was getting louder and louder. I found myself acting as referee and imagined myself to be Jeremy Kyle…”theres two sides to every story.”  I was starring in my own chav reality show! Things were quickly getting out of hand with argument and counter argument being thrown around. (I wondered when the tables and chairs would be next?)

To change the subject I asked what the occasion was, to which I was told that it was a kids birthday party…a four year olds! In a pub! All the adults appeared to be worse for wear. The birthday boy was stood next to me…all 2 foot and a peanut of him. Holding his pool cue and looking at us with suspicious eyes. He was dressed in the chav uniform…trainers, trackie bottoms and football shirt but no no baseball cap. He was however wearing a gold chain that Mr. T would have been proud of.


We managed to extricate ourselves and the patient from the pub to the truck and transported him to the A/E. With mum giving it loads about the doctors in A/E not giving a stuff about her son last year when he fell off a moped!

The thing that sticks in my mind is that these so called adults were showing their offspring how to behave…ie get drunk, shout and bawl and generally aim low in life and they still fail to attain that target!


Shall we just surrender now?

Belt Kit…Good or Bad?…

January 8, 2007


Belt Kit for Every Occasion…

I,ve noticed a lot of new larkers coming into the service fresh from training school are looking a bit like Officer Tackleberry from Police Academy.

I,m all for enthusiasm and I remember when I first started I always carried a nail punch in my caz box just in case I needed to get through that reinforced window. (Joking.)

Now after the passage of time and gaining experience all I carry are my Tuffcut shears (small, one pair for the use of), pentorch, stethoscope (small size which fits in my side leg trouser pocket), tourniquet and a black pen.


All the other kit is either in the big green bag or on the truck or RRV/RFU.

What useless pieces of kit have you seen people carrying?  And what one piece of kit would you like to see issued to all stretcher monkeys?


One Lump or Two…?

January 8, 2007


Foxtrot-Oscar 1

Saturday night brought me back into the Big City to do a shift on the Foxtrot-Oscar RRV. This is a Rapid Response Vehicle crewed by myself and a Police Officer for 8 hours of fun filled shenanighans with members of the public.

It started off badly. The vehicle I was to use would not start…it refused to fire up. Even with my soft words of encouragement…”come on you f*&<ing useless piece of s>&t!” I was more hacked off because I had just completed a full vehicle kit check…monitors, gases, drugs, dressings, forms, safety gear and all the other equipment which most of the nights customers probaly would not need.


Our first vehicle…

Eventually it fired up and coughed & spluttered into life like some bronchitic patient having his first cig on a cold morning. Now I just had make it to the Police station and pick up my mate for the shift. Having arrived at the police station and located my Police crew mate we went back out to the vehicle…an old 4 x 4 that had seen better days. We jumped into the car and called our relative control rooms.

I keyed the engine expecting it to roar into life announcing to the world that we were on a mission, we were ready to take on all comers. We had the kit, we had the knowledge, we had the vehicle, we had both our controls chomping at the bit ready to assign us jobs…we just didnt have lift off!   “B>@#%&<d car!”  It just would not start and the sound of the engine turning over yet not catching sounded more like maniacal laughter resounding all around the car park of the Police station!

Eventually we were picked up and driven to another ambulance station to pick up a spare RRV. A newer Volvo, more agile, more poke, more lights and sirens than a Ambulance Trade Convention. This car was better, although still not exactly the “mutts nuts” we settled for the “badgers nadgers.” Now it was time to meet our public! Oh joy!! 


What we really need…

Every single job was drink related…(our primary mission is to deal with drink related incidents and assaults and so free up more ambulances for the more serious calls)…and ranged from the usual booze fuelled fights that occur in every city and town centre on a weekend, to the more sinister assaults that were premeditated.


The usual tally of wounds/lumps & bumps included black eyes, split lips, bruises to the head, grazes to the body and a possible concussion after being hit full on with a housebrick to the forehead. A couple of jobs stood out due to the nastiness of the assaults.

The first was an unprovoked attack on a young lad who was walking his girlfriend home. A car stopped and three scroats jumped out and gave the young lad a severe beating resulting in a nasty mouth injury which was going to require surgery. I gave due credit to this lad as he was more concerned about his girlfriend and seemed to take it all in his stride. Not a case of false bravado I just think he displayed a confidence beyond his years.

The second nasty incident near to the end of the shift. Again another young lad had been beaten. Only this time he had been thrown from a moving car and then the car had turned around and tried to run him over! Luckily he suffered relatively minor facial injuries although the amount of blood on his face, clothes and the road would have indicated otherwise to someone outside of the job.

Our last job was to a “house fire, persons reported!” in the wee hours of sunday morning. The classic job…back home from the pub, chip pan on, fall asleep and hey presto…instant bonfire night in the comfort of your own home! He was brought out by the fire brigade non the worse for his little expedition into Dantes Inferno.

All in all it was a relatively quiet night for us…8 jobs all sorted out and no-one died…thank God!


The Chain of Survival…it works!

January 5, 2007


Busy shift yesterday with various calls to medical emergencies that required some interventions before taking to the A/E.

One job we got sent to about halfway through the shift was to a collapse, unconscious, ? breathing. We,ve all been sent to these calls and it turns out to be nothing!

This one was something!

Arriving on scene we saw the patient on the pavement with the RRV Paramedic bagging away and the defibillator attached. (We were not informed en-route that an RRV was on scene) I quickly de-bussed and went over and took over chest compressions. The monitor showed V.F. (ventricular fibrillation…where the entire heart muscle is firing off in all directions and not pumping blood around the body) so I adminstered the second shock. This put the patient into spurious asystole (transient flat line due to myocardial stunning) so we continued with CPR for two minutes.

On checking the monitor we could see a cardiac output and listening to the patients heart with my stethoscope I could hear it beating normally again! Then we intubated quickly and attached the tube to the ventilator. Things were looking good…for a change!

The patient was a 76 year old gentleman who was on his way to the doctors as he had haematuria (blood in his urine) when he suddenly collapsed in the street. Luckily his grandaughter was with him and she dialled 999 straight away. 


A bystander/passerby realised that he was in cardiac arrest and started CPR (chest compressions and mouth to mouth breathing). This was continued until the arrival of the RRV a couple of minute later.

The paramedic on the RRV adminstered one shock straight away to revert the ventricular fibrillation and carried on bagging (bag & mask which is squeezed to get oxygen into the patient)

Cardiac drugs were given via a cannula placed in the patients right external juglar and we made ready to place the patient onto the stretcher and into the vehicle. En-route to the hospital the patient started to spontaenously breath for himself.  A pre-alert was put into A/E and we arrived at the resus room 6 minutes later. 

It was nice to see everything in place and that this gentleman has a fighting chance of making a good recovery.


The Chain of Survival

Blanket Coverage…

January 4, 2007


It is cold, it is windy, in fact it is blowing a gale. Sending an icy chill through to my bones…and I,m not ill (well not physically!)

The patients we,ve been out to for this morning have been subject to those winter ailments expected at this time of year….chest infections, exacerbation of COPD and other associated illnesses.

And all we have to cover them in to keep them warm as we carry them from their nice warm homes to our truck is a small thin white blanket that bears more of a resemblence to a net cutain!

Over the years in the Ambulance Service, we have obtained at quite considerable cost lorry loads of new blankets. Nice big, thick warm blankets that can easily cover the patient and keep them safe from the biting winds and the freezing cold. They have even had the service name printed/embroidered onto them so as to keep track of them. (the blankets not the patients!)

 We even bought coloured blankets so that they would not end up on hospital wards or in nursing homes. Vibrant colours like red (hides the blood better), dark green (hides the snot and sputum from chest infections better) and sky blue (for ex Royal Air Force people?) 


The thing is….where have they all gone??

And can we have them back please?

Are they all stored in some former patients attic along with all the other bits of essential kit like pillows?


Anyone any ideas where they have all gone to…?

The Year Ahead…

January 2, 2007

I,m still getting over last year, very busy but on top of having a snapped Achilles tendon at the start of 2006!

This year I,m looking forward to getting my fitness levels back upto scratch, doing more stuff at work with regards to clinical training and hopefully get back into flying. Something I really miss with a passion.

Things I,m not looking forward to are the inevitable drunks/tossers/CHAVs/pondscum and other assorted miscreants that prowl this once great country of ours!

I hope that the powers that be are swayed into action to turn back the tide of lawlessness and lack of responsibility that seems to be getting worse by the day. And I hope that the action will be swift and sure to bring some of societies less savoury characters into line!

I am also hopeful that work will get better with more resources and better career progression with enhanced pay rates rising too! We will see what happens by the end of 2007!

Lets all have a safe and brilliant year this time…!


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